Convert Haters to Lovers in This Shooting Game…About Love

First Person Lover has been compared to Grand Theft Auto and Saints Row 4, but seeing as how I’ve played neither of those games, what it actually reminds me of is My Little Pony fan fiction. That probably reveals way too much about my own tastes in entertainment, and I’m sorry.

While the title might sound like a dating sim, First Person Lover is a FPS…about love. Instead of shotguns and grenades, you get…kiss guns and teddy bear grenades. The world is filled with hate, and only you can transform the haters into lovers and shut down the hate harvesters. This may require self-sacrifice; it almost certainly requires rainbows and bubbles, often in a giant cloud.

To save haters, use any of your love-fueled weaponry on them until they transform from monochromatic zombies to shivering naked people. Then you, ah, “liberate them by filling them with your love,” which is not what it sounds like but is definitely deliberate. Pressing E puts them in trendy and fashion-forward outfits and they walk away, free to live their non-hate-filled lives in peace. Be careful though–not everyone can be saved, warns your partner as you sneak past a group of shouting protesters. If you’re curious, the protesters carry signs that say “GOD HATES FIGS.” Not a typo.

The boss villain is almost certainly a bare-chested Putin riding a bear. I can’t really say anything about that.

You might think First Person Lover is a pushback against the grimdark that plagues video games in the industry’s ever-frantic attempts to be taken seriously while still catering to the widest demographic possible. Or maybe First Person Lover’s goofy premise disguises a more political bent, as the presence of the protesters hints. And these might not be wrong, but First Person Lover is first and foremost, as the website says…an online fashion game experience. Yup. Buy their clothes.

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